by Sean McCann

A good night out is like eating a quality vindaloo. It's a long satisfying journey to get to the end, there will probably be tears at some point, and a significant length of time after your mind is occupied by new activities your body will still be dealing with the repercussions. 
	There are many obstacles to having a good night out and these must be successfully negotiated in order to differentiate the good times from the bad. Money, choice of venue, quality of sexual prey and quality of psycho-candy are all markers that can be used to gauge your night out. It is, however, not always necessary to have all three of the above registering on the Richter scale for you to have a top one.
	If you are light in the pocket but the DJ is plugged directly into your brain and you manage to pull the human equivalent of a free Harley and six numbers in the rollover, that constitutes a good night. It's the same deal if you end up in a place packed with more growlers than the vets, but you and your pals are totally pinging like The Hunt for Red October, still a top night out. Easy!............Well no. 
Step forward Bouncers. 
	No matter what you look like, how much you plan or how little you drink there will always be some knuckle-dragging, pre-evolution, bow-tied, weight lifting orangutan ready to spoil your evening for no reason other than his own tiny brain and the boredom this provides. They will pounce on you and your friends when you least expect, like market researchers, or thrush. With this in mind I would like to compile a detailed dossier on the best, and worst bouncers in the Glasgow club scene. I will then personally shoot the worst offenders, or maybe write a very stern letter to their bosses. Contact me seane9@yahoo.co.uk and together we will destroy this curse of stupidity.